Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
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Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.