Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
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GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak