Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
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We are the people our parents warned us about.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Never forget.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
get you a girl who
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.