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If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.