When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
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I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT: