*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
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He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Rooting for the overdog
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Happy Caturday!
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out