Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
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Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇