You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
You Might Also Like
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”