First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
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My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.