The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
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dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.