I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
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If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Breaking news:
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.