My sex drive has a dui
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My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
me after drinking all the wine:
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.