Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
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There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Wednesday
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though