customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
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Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.