*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
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doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
This made me chuckle.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I have a new favorite meme page
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.