gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
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Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread