Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
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“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
seems fine
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.