Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
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Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
😍😂🥰😂😍
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.