My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
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THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Siri: Retweet me.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.