Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
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GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol