A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
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Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy