“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
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boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
🚲+physics = winner
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun