Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
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My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.