Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
You Might Also Like
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday