The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Facebook memories be like
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?