I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
You Might Also Like
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”