[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
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Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.