Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
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You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.