do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
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Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar