Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
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Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
yall want some gasoline milk
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.