I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
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Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.