*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
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Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
This 4th of July, please remember…
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
me before I type out affect or effect