where the womens at?
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Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
ready to be harvested
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
yeah 😭
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”