My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
You Might Also Like
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.