date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
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A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.