When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
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Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What