[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
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He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
A leaf blower, but for people.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.