Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
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*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Me too 😆
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes