I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
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My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
We like the way Dwight thinks
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Buying a well is money well spent.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Kids, do not try this at home!
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management