Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
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PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
when mom throws a party…
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk