Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
You Might Also Like
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.