Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
You Might Also Like
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
He just like my cat fr
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
The old gods are rising again.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.