When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
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[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69