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them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
getting old is fun
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg