I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
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I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
I hope this email punches you square in the face
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.