INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
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Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
*limbos under the caution tape
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”