2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
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Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open