My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
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I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
My kitchen overserved me.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.