I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
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*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
🤣🤣🤣
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Finally
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.