Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
You Might Also Like
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people